Grin and Bear It

Life is too short to sit around crying all the time. Or being a victim. So, instead, we women, we grin and we bear it.

It looks almost painful. 

I don't allow myself to grieve things when they are happening. I don't allow myself to process grief pretty much as a rule, so don't be surprised if I am functioning like nothing has happened.

I will be at church. I will be teaching the toddler class. I will be at my job. I will be out grocery shopping.

I will be living life.

Not because I really want to (truth be told, even though I am awake constantly these days, and rarely ever sleep, the idea of just laying under warm blankets on the sofa without having to do anything for anyone sounds pretty friggin' AMAZING right now), but because I am a parent. I am not a quitter and the last person on Earth that I am going to quit on right now is Supergirl.

It occurred to me today that I have not posted much about Supergirl's place in this new normal. She is not okay with any of this. She is EXTREMELY clingy and territorial. The slightest infractions (even unintentional ones) are met with near-tantrum like conditions. (Case in point: The Scare Bear came over on Saturday night, but a had a very bad headache and wanted to lay her head on my lap and get some rest. Supergirl got super-pissed and started screaming at both of us that I was HER momma and that no one is EVER allowed to snuggle with HER momma, but her.)

And I thought I was walking on eggshells in the Before.

I have been planning fun things for she and I to do. We went to a birthday party and she drove a bumper car. We had a girls spa night. We ate cereal for breakfast and didn't care who knew about it.

And then, this very morning, I went into my bathroom to brush my teeth while she got dressed. She fell apart, screaming, crying. I raced across the house to my girl expecting broken bones, blood, an injury.

"I thought you had left me." She sniffled as I held her close.

I expected to find broken bones, blood, an injury. I found a broken heart instead.