Broken

On the downswing from last week's up of being done, washing my hands of the past, focusing on the future is today.

Today, where I am broken and weak.

It started with Monday, finding out things that I didn't want to know, having them (and the images in my head) confirmed. Then there was yesterday, where as I sat at my desk feeling fine the sinus pressure built and built and built until I could not stand anymore. The Hubs had Supergirl for the night. I went home and immediately passed out (after taking Advil Cold & Sinus and changing into pajamas). I slept hard until around 9:30, but then couldn't sleep much more after that.

And then, I was just alone. In the dark and the quiet, left with my own venomous thoughts until the wee hours of the morning.

Which brings me back to today.

Today, where I am looking at my phone ring as bill collector after bill collector calls wanting to know when and where their money is.

The truth is, I don't know.

You see, before the Hubs left he lost his job. His unemployment has been denied. There is no money coming in from that side of this equation (with the exception of the plasma he sold this afternoon to help us out with gas and groceries).

Which leaves me about $1,000 short for the month.

You read that right, one thousand dollars short.

And that's not even including things like the gas and the groceries and the crazy little things that come up over and over and over again, every single month.

For me, I understand that he should be chipping in his fair share. He is trying to find work (remember, not too long ago all of those applications and only two interviews? That's where he is now.) His attempts to find work will not stop the phone calls, the bills, the letters, and e-mails.

So I am broke and broken.

There is no assistance when you are in my position with a good job and only one kid. I know that there are people in much worse circumstances. And while I tell myself to not worry, to just pray, the phone keeps chirping it's happy little song at me.

Could you all just pray for me? For my broken family?

If you aren't much of a prayer, could you send happy thoughts into the universe to me, to us?

Because I am really struggling right now.

And I just feel so darn broken.