Crazy Is...

What to say?

It seems like there are so many things to say and yet, here I sit, contemplating the right words to string together to make a coherent thought.

It has been 9 days since I last took my anti-depressant. I have received 3 compliments today on my renewed sense of focus, drive, and direction. That makes me happy.

I spoke to my primary care doctor on Monday. He prescribed a mood stabilizer, but after looking at the side effects, I think I would rather look into more holistic methods of controlling this disorder. After all of the trouble and scary situations that I got myself into with the anti-depressant, I am thinking that this is the smarter course of action. Not to mention that the withdrawals from the drug were worse than anything I have ever felt, and that I am still feeling the effects of that 9 days later.

I have to followup with him in two weeks. I hope by then I can come up with a good solid holistic plan that will showcase the mountain of research and commitment that I am making to this.

Crazy is scary. Truly scary.

When I was on the meds, I was so angry, so over everything all of the time that by the time I got home, I didn't care what we had for dinner. I stopped cooking. I was never hungry.

The kid ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And cereal. And steamable bags of vegetables.

It's sad when your 5 year old informs you that it is your 'sponsibility to make food. Not that I cared in that moment, about food, or a 5 year old, or sleep. I just wanted to be left alone.

Crazy is lonely.

Yesterday, we made mud cake and mud stew. We played until it got dark outside. It's been months since I have played with my kid.

Crazy is selfish. 

But now it is March and the sun shines so brightly that it blinds me on the way to work in the morning. The skies are blue, birds sing, and the trees and bushes are all in bloom.

I have officially given up on crazy. I do not want to own it anymore.

I am ready for something new.