Where I Am

I am not going to talk about the chickens. Or how they have laid more eggs in their nest. Or how I feed them brussel sprouts (YUM!). Or how they can get 14 feet up into my tree, amazing me each night.

I am not going to talk about what Z did last night, although it had to do with this and this - in public. I am not going to talk about how angry I am that it happened or how disappointed I am that she is doing it 2 years after completing potty training. I didn't think that you could regress if there were no new babies around.

I was going to talk about how watching the live birth on Harvest of Daily Life's Blog made me insta-ovulate and realize that my body yearns - YEARNS - for another baby. That as my child gets older and more independent the more that I want another tiny human to occupy our home. That she was always meant to be an older sister, not an only child.

That I am no spring chicken and we need to get things popping before my nether regions dry up and grow cobwebs. I was going to talk about how alive and healthy I felt during pregnancy, how I missed the late nights of snuggling and nursing.

But that is just silly, foolish talk in these days. It all feels so long ago that it could have been a dream. How irresponsible could I be? Thinking that a new life in this household would somehow negate the fact that I am still unemployed, lacking funds to be able to support the 3 of us, let alone a new little person. Thinking that I somehow could afford, without insurance, to go through 9 months of prenatal care and labor. Silly. Maybe for another day, but now.

What I am going to talk about is how empty I am right now.

It has been 3 months since I lost my job. 3 months of applying, getting auto reject letters, going to appointments, making contacts and networking. 3 months of wiping ass day in and day out, cleaning everything in sight over and over.

The last two weeks were a nice reprieve from it all. In the last two weeks I have had 4 interviews with two companies. I was witty, i was charming, I was funny, I was knowledgeable. I felt like a rock star. Leaving the interviews, so certain that that position was The Right One that I would drive by day cares in the area and take tours, pick up applications, make sure that they had availability in their classrooms.

The adrenalin of feeling needed in society again was like a drug.

And now it has been a week of silence. No calls, good or bad. And I am starting to doubt myself, my talents, my knowledge.

This rickety bridge of self-doubt is where I am right now. A rickety bridge over a cavern of depression and angst, and I am not sure how to proceed. It is fall now, no longer a summer vacation and I need to get back to work.