A Letter

Every year for Z's birthday, I write her a letter so that I can remember events from the previous year and so that she will be able to look back one day when she is a parent and know that her children are not abnormal or psychotic or hell-bent on killing their mother. It's a favor for her really. 


Tomorrow is her birthday, so I thought I would share last year's letter with you first...

It’s been 3 years since you came into my life. Three years since we sat alone in the hospital getting to know each other and learning about the other's personality. Three years since I praised God that you were healthy and so much more than I ever prayed for. Three years since “me” became “we”.

It’s been two years since I nursed you, holding you tight against my skin. Two years since the faint smell of my milk on your lips lulled me into sleep. It seems like yesterday. I can’t believe how much you’ve grown.

It’s been one year since I changed your diapers and played peek –a- boo. Now you run to the potty all on your own. I never dreamed that I would miss changing the diapers, but I do. It was our time, when everything else stopped and we could focus just on each other.

I weep with joy over the person that you have grown into and the person that you are becoming. I weep with sadness over the little baby that you were, the baby that you will never be again.

Now we begin a new chapter of you sleeping in a separate bed, your own bed. Away from me, where I can hear you breathe and watch you slowly drift to sleep, my thoughts are bittersweet. I am so proud of who you are becoming, but I miss the baby that you used to be.

We have lots of fun together now, fun that we could not have had when you were a baby or a toddler. We bake, paint, create and play in ways that we have never been able to before. You love to make up dances and songs and incorporate me into your “shows”. I adore you and love when you tell me that I am your best friend, I am holding tight to these moments, little girl, because I don’t know how long this phase with you will last. And while I miss the little moments that we had together that are gone, those moments are exactly what has turned you into the confident, independent and smart little rock star that you have become.  

Every day, you remind of something I have forgotten, some small miracle that I would have missed because I am so focused on the road ahead instead of the here and now. Each day, I see a new wonder through your eyes and it reminds me to have patience and understanding, As much as you are learning from me, you are teaching me all of the things that I had forgotten. You a wonder and a miracle and I pray that you will always know that.

             

I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for us and I am excited to see what will happen in the years to come. I know that there will be highs and lows, but I will be with you for every stumble and fall and every triumphant success that you have.

I love you, Z, and every day my love for you multiplies. Happy 3rd Birthday, baby girl.

Changing from 2 to 3, Z had had a pretty good track record. She rarely had temper tantrums, hardly ever talked back, ate everything that was placed in front of her. This year's letter will be a bit...well... different.