Saturday, July 10, 2010

It's Been Forever...

It's been forever since I have posted anything at all to the site. Part of that is because I am now working a million hours a week, my house looks like three tornadoes have plowed through it and my "big girl" occupies every minute that I have when I home.

I am exhausted. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally drained. I feel like Supergirl's ice cream that she blends to the point of being a pasty slightly brown milk and cream soup, looking like nothing resembling the icy goodness that it once was. I feel like I have been whipped over and over and now that all remains is a soupy, drippy, sticky mess. 

In the absence, we have accomplished little, but done much. 

1. I started working at Supergirl's daycare. Mainly to cover the costs for her care but also because I love children and since I knew that I would need a part-time job with the way that our finances have been steadily heading, it seemed to be a better idea to do something that I would enjoy rather than do something that would not be rewarding in anyway.

2. We took a family vacation. For the first time since becoming a family of three, we struck out to visit my mother and brothers and sister and the great state of Texas. 

It was magical how the stresses of our daily lives just melted away mile by mile of that interstate highway. I felt lighter, happier, FREER. I knew that it couldn't last and as soon as we turned the car around and began the drive back, it all started piling back, accumulating until it was almost intolerable to be sitting in that car anymore. I wanted to pull over at a rest stop, anywhere and just run. Run as fast as my legs would carry me away from all of the responsibilities, anger, hurt, disappointments and resentment. 

I hoped, prayed even, that we would get home and the house would just be gone, fire, tornado, whatever it didn't matter, I just wanted to walk away. I need to get out of this town. Away from the ghosts, the burdens, the stresses of being the me that I have always been in this town. 

I realize now that it is not the house that is causing the problem (although it is the physical manifestation of all that is wrong with us, this union. I can't blame the kid, it is no messier now than it was when we got her.) Where I spend my every waking moment cleaning, scrubbing, and washing, my husband spends out of the house, away from everything. He does not care about our home, it is not a priority for him. So while I worry and fret and race to beat the mess that is consuming us, he just ignores the needs that are in front of his eyes. That is why I am in the yard at 6:15 on a Sunday morning mowing, because my husband doesn't realize that it needs to be done, even when it is even with the porch and our girl gets poked in the ears by blades of grass when going in the house. 

That is why at 4:45 in the morning, before our child awakes, before there are other people's needs to be met, I am folding clothes and putting them away. And since I work two jobs now, clothes, laundry, house cleaning seems to be a quarterly event when I actually get a real break from work and work. 

It's during these days "off" that I beg the husband to please, please, please take the child and yourself to your parents house, I so desperately need to get this done, I really cannot work on this and that and this if I have a two year old under my feet and a 31 year old asleep on my couch. I need space, I need to be able to breathe, I need to be able to do this my own way without you and her in the way. I need to be able to move the furniture that you are lounging on. If you are not here, I will not hear YOUR words that you would help and that you would do X, Y, and Z ringing in my head over and over on repeat while I look at you still snoring well after 1 in the afternoon, while the kid begs and pleads for a popsicle or a juice box or another F'ing pickle. 

But then the guilt sets in and I know that this is the time, the time that I should be spending with the kid because I only get an hour each day normally and this is the time that I have prayed for and I want to waste it cleaning the house and doing laundry instead of spending time with them. And it's not his fault that he does not notice that these things need to be done, not his fault at all since that has ALWAYS been my job, and I have never asked him to do any of those things (although my hints are pretty outstanding). 

So like I said, we have not accomplished much...

3. Supergirl turned 2 and a half and the Hubs turned 31. I picked her up (a rare treat these days) for her 2 and a half birthday and then we baked cupcakes. She sang happy birthday to herself and even got a few candles on her cupcake. We had her favorite (tuna noodle casserole) for dinner and I let her stay up a little later than normal as a special treat. 

The Hubs turned 31 in style the day before the 4th of July. He asked for a crown and amazingly something resembling a crown came spewing out of the sewing machine the day before his birthday. Complete with a velcro band so big girl could wear it if she chooses. We went to the 4th of July parade and then to a BBQ and Blues festival. Later, we went down to the 4th of July Carnival and Concert to watch some of our favorite local bands perform and then watch the fireworks over the river. 

Favorite quote of the night: While the fireworks were going off, big girl leans over and shushes the people sitting next to us. "No talking during my daddy's fireworks!"

4. Went to a family Hoe Down with our church and learned to Square Dance, even though I use to be terrified of being embarassed in public (especially while dancing), I got up there and did it. And it was lots of fun, just being silly with my family, everyone thought Supergirl and Blade dancing was so funny and cute (and while there were photographers, I have yet to find photo of the two of the two stepping). 

5. Supergirl has been to two parades and gets so excited at the prospect of seeing clowns that she can't sit still. She may be a professional clown when she gets older. Good thing she is not sensitive to the makeup!

6. Supergirl can snap her fingers. Really. Most kids can't do that at four and she is doing it with ease at 2. She is amazing.

Finally, I have come to the conclusion that if we as a family do not do things to overcome all of our issues, no amount of moving or complaining is gonna fix the problem. I think I might start the Love Dare this week. It's not gonna make things any wose than they have been...
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