Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Day 9...on Boredom and Loneliness


We live in such a privileged society, we have the privilege of getting bored even though we have an endless array of books, entertainment and hobbies just a fingertip away. How shallow am I that this morning while walking to my office, as I was composing this post in my head, I was going to complain of loneliness, of boredom as a way to explain what I have been feeling over the last few days instead of addressing it for just what it is? Restlessness, impatience, all of my trademarked issues still flailing about like worms in the morning sun. 

Today is day 9. Apparently, when my world is normal, when my world has not been flipped over so radically, I eat when I am bored, or lonely. I eat to satisfy those feelings, instead of actually thinking about the world that we live in. I have taken a human necessity and turned it into entertainment-something to ease the boredom, the loneliness? Shallow. 

I have been thinking a lot over the past few days. Thinking about how I have changed since beginning this fast, physically and emotionally. Thinking about how full of pride (and myself) that I was at the beginning making sure that EVERYONE knew that I was going to do this fast – but really, is it about pride? Or is it about showing everyone that I have faith that God will make sure that I complete this fast? The last few days I have been coming to terms with that pride, that full of me-ness that I was flaunting. I know now that it wasn’t me that was going without, it was God in me that was making sure that I didn’t stumble, making sure that I could resist those temptations and moments of weakness. Without Him, without my full faith in Him, I would not now be at 8 and a half days and I know that – physically and mentally I know that I have only come this far because He wants me to be here.

Why? Why is he bringing me to this place? I long to know what God’s purpose is for my life, for my family, for my church. I long to know God’s plan for me. He created me, before my mother even existed, He knew that I would come and He molded me into the person that I have become. I know that He has a plan for me, but what is it? I cry it out in the night, I awaken in the middle of the night to pray again that He will reveal His purpose to me. 

I hope that soon all of these things will be revealed, I hope that when it comes time for Him to lay it all out before me that I will remember that my only job is to say “Yes”. Yes to whatever it is that He asks, because he is the giver of all and I would have nothing, if it weren’t for His amazing grace.

So my feelings of boredom and loneliness are trivial, really. I am not alone, not really. And as far as boredom goes, does it really exist in our culture?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Momma Living Radically

Our church has embarked on a new series called "RADICAL" based on the book by David Platt. The book (what I have read of it, since the delivery of my copy has been delayed by sudden winter storms throught the country) is amazing. It truly makes you question your belief, your desire to follow God and how you live your life. It's exactly the jolt to my belief that I have been needing and has spurred in me a deep desire to really read the bible, have a relationship with God and truly follow him. Pretty lofty stuff, I know. 

So the church has decided to do a 21 day fast. You can choose what you are fasting from, how extreme (or radical) you want to be, it's really whatever God moves you to pursue. I have decided that I am all in, so I am fasting completely (except for water and fruit juices) for the next 21 days. When I would normally be eating, I am reading the bible. I am excited to see where God takes me in this journey but I have no doubt that He will lead me to greatness. 

In addition to the 21 day fast, they are also offering up weekly "Family Challenges" that are designed to help us interact with our spouses and children and engage Scripture. This week's Family Challenge is to turn off all electronic entertainment. No TV, no radio, no Facebook or Twitter at home for a week. Last night was interesting. Z kept begging that I turn the TV on, but we ended up reading and going to bed early. Amazingly, she slept very well the entire night and woke up bright and happy this morning. 

Maybe we should just sell the TV...

Monday, January 17, 2011

On being a Momma with a 3 year old

When you first become a Momma, doctor's offices are excited for you and your bundle to come in. You feel important, they usher you in quickly to get the baby out of the waiting room with all of the sickies. They get you in and out because they know it must be hard to be out and about with an infant. As your baby grows, the oohs and aahs seem to multiply and everywhere you go, people are giving you knowing smiles and tons of compliments. 

At some point, right around the 3 year mark, that all changes and there is a noticable shift in attitude towards you and your child. No longer are the "Can I have a cookie (or a balloon or whatever grabs her eye)" requests, "Adorable!", now people glare at the mother who is not raising her child with manners or a knowledge of good public graces. 

Now when we go to the doctor's office, it's as if they are intent on making every visit as long, excrutiating, embarassing and frustrating as possible. We wait in the waiting room, (while my child morphs into every animal on the planet, leaping off chairs, crawling under tables), we wait in the exam room, (while she pulls all of the paper off of the rolls and "decorates"), we wait in the hallway (while the nurse searches every nook, cranny and drawer for a piece of candy that my child refuses to leave without). 

When she was small, I would take her into the store and talk to her about what I was making for dinner and what I saw in the store, there was always a running narrative wherever we went: while I was driving, shopping, crocheting or just strolling her at the park. Now my days are filled with," Young lady, I am counting to 3.", "Get down from there." "Stop climbing on that." "We're leaving because you are not listening".

The delight of a baby that I nursed and cradled, that hardly ever cried and that was always happy has morphed into this tornado of frenetic activity that bounces off of walls, jumps on and off of my couch, hits when she is angry and performs in public. 

Performs in public?, you ask. Why yes, yes she does. She creates dances and songs in the middle of a busy Publix aisle at the drop of hat and then performs for all to see and hear. And, in case she is not getting the attention that she wants, she will yell, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! IT'S THE Supergirl SHOW!!!!"

So what should a tired momma do? I keep praying that it is a phase that she will grow out of, but when she grows out of this - What will she grow into?

I will let you know, dear reader.


One Scared Momma
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