Boredom.
We live in such a privileged society, we have the privilege of getting bored even though we have an endless array of books, entertainment and hobbies just a fingertip away. How shallow am I that this morning while walking to my office, as I was composing this post in my head, I was going to complain of loneliness, of boredom as a way to explain what I have been feeling over the last few days instead of addressing it for just what it is? Restlessness, impatience, all of my trademarked issues still flailing about like worms in the morning sun.
Today is day 9. Apparently, when my world is normal, when my world has not been flipped over so radically, I eat when I am bored, or lonely. I eat to satisfy those feelings, instead of actually thinking about the world that we live in. I have taken a human necessity and turned it into entertainment-something to ease the boredom, the loneliness? Shallow.
I have been thinking a lot over the past few days. Thinking about how I have changed since beginning this fast, physically and emotionally. Thinking about how full of pride (and myself) that I was at the beginning making sure that EVERYONE knew that I was going to do this fast – but really, is it about pride? Or is it about showing everyone that I have faith that God will make sure that I complete this fast? The last few days I have been coming to terms with that pride, that full of me-ness that I was flaunting. I know now that it wasn’t me that was going without, it was God in me that was making sure that I didn’t stumble, making sure that I could resist those temptations and moments of weakness. Without Him, without my full faith in Him, I would not now be at 8 and a half days and I know that – physically and mentally I know that I have only come this far because He wants me to be here.
Why? Why is he bringing me to this place? I long to know what God’s purpose is for my life, for my family, for my church. I long to know God’s plan for me. He created me, before my mother even existed, He knew that I would come and He molded me into the person that I have become. I know that He has a plan for me, but what is it? I cry it out in the night, I awaken in the middle of the night to pray again that He will reveal His purpose to me.
I hope that soon all of these things will be revealed, I hope that when it comes time for Him to lay it all out before me that I will remember that my only job is to say “Yes”. Yes to whatever it is that He asks, because he is the giver of all and I would have nothing, if it weren’t for His amazing grace.
So my feelings of boredom and loneliness are trivial, really. I am not alone, not really. And as far as boredom goes, does it really exist in our culture?
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