Thursday, December 27, 2012

Faking It

I go through this life, everyday, day after day, feeling like a big fake. A fake that can confidently and without a doubt tell you X,Y,or Z but is really not that sure that that is the correct answer after all. But, man, I can say it with confidence. 

I can spout Bible stories and verses and songs, but at night when I lie awake in my bed, questioning everything, my life, myself, my interactions of the day - I doubt. I doubt and I question and I wonder. I probably wouldn't ever say that around my kid, although, I would guess that it would be healthier for her in the long run if she knew the doubt, if she knew the incessant questioning of my soul so that when she wonders, when she questions, when she doubts, she will know that she is not weird or unfaithful. She will know that she just takes after her mother, in all of her weirdness, in all of her unfaithfulness, in all of her imagination. 

And that can be okay, too. Maybe.

There is no place in this world, this life that I have made myself that I can be 100% me with all of my doubts, all of my questions, all of my imagination. Me with the dirty mouth and the even dirtier mind...

I guess I am just mom, now. Just wife.  

Maybe next year will be better.

Thursday, December 20, 2012


I have kind of been stuck lately and out of sorts. Sorry for the lack of posts, I am sure it will get better soon.

My kid is a sociopath, but maybe we knew that already...

I'll be back soon, I promise.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

A Gift That We Can All Benefit From

I have been really struggling with what to get for the Hubs for Christmas. We just got a new bed (thanks Scare Bear!), new tires for the car, and a new phone (thanks Sprint upgrade!). He is good on pajama pants, underwear, and socks. We just got new toothbrushes...

I have just been stumped and since we are still working towards that whole debt-free scenario, I couldn't really get into the wants of the Christmas season. Not this year at least.

Needless to say, Proctor & Gamble contacted me at the exact right time about their Art of Shaving program.

The program has only been available in high end department stores until now and is a perfect gift for any of the men in your life. Centered around the Four Elements of the Perfect Shave - Prepare, Lather Up!, Shave, and Moisturize, P&G has even created very affordable gifts for all of the men in our lives to get their shave on without nicks, cuts, ingrown hairs, or whining. What more could a girl ask for?

How about the fact that they took the guess work out of making sure that you get everything your men need for the best most comfortable shaves of their lives?

That's right, ladies! You can go to the Art of Shaving website, find the scent that you think your man would love (unscented, sandalwood, lemon, ocean kelp, and lavender) and get a kit with everything that they will need complete with shaving cream brushes, razors, oils, and after shaves.

But wait, there's more! Proctor and Gamble has given me a few deals to share with my readers!

Enjoy 20% off your purchase of The Perfect Shave Solution.  Valid unitl 12/30 No code needed.  Discount automatically applied at checkout when you purchase a full size Pre Shave, a full size Shaving Cream or soap and bowl, Shaving Brush, Razor and After Shave.

Free Ground Shipping and 10% off ProGlide Power Save Set, through 12/30/12 Promo code: 10PowerShave

Do yourself (and your man) a favor by giving them the gift of the prefect shave this Christmas - your face will thank you for it!

Friday, December 7, 2012

Just Perfectly 4

Yesterday, I turned in the applications for the Supergirl to start Kindergarten in the fall.

My baby.

A person that 5 years ago, on this day, only existed on the inside of me. A person that 5 years ago today, had not yet been named, who insisted on kicking me only when I had finally gotten truly comfortable, a person who was not even due yet on this day 5 years ago.

And yet, in just 10 days she will be 5. In just a few months, she will start Kindergarten.

This girl, this person that she is becoming, has a huge personality and imagination to grow into and I wonder if big kid school will enhance her or break her, if the cruelty of thoughtless children is as harsh as I remember it to sometimes be, if she will lead her peers to goodness or if she will crumble from the sheer number of their idiocy and follow.

I wonder if she will command center stage the way that she does now when she is 10 or 15. I wonder if she will always sing and dance and laugh with the joy that she does today. Or, if somehow, somewhere along the way some kid will tell her she cannot dance, or some adult will let her know that she has no rhythm or that she is always just slightly off key.

I wonder how she will react on the day that she realizes that she is not always going to be the best or the smartest or the fastest or the prettiest. And I wonder if she will tell me what is wrong, or if she will just cry silent tears in her room after all the lights are off.

I wonder if she will continue to write even when she learns the words and the sentences, even after the iambic pentameter has been drilled into her head, and even after a teacher tells her that her writing is no good. I wonder if she will continue to make up stories and scenarios. I wonder if she will continue to share them with me.

But today, she is still 4, still in Preschool. And today, that's perfect.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I Don't Know If This Is Blasphemous...

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I have been on doctor-suggested bed rest due to a sinus infection and walking pneumonia, but am feeling so much better that I decided to actually go back to work today, which is a huge relief because I am almost out of episodes of The Secret Life of The American Teenager to watch on Netflix and Doomsday Preppers was a tad too crazy to really get behind it. Do not even get me started on the two episodes of Freaky Eaters I watched.

Instead, I am going to tell you that being on bed rest sucks. Especially when you know you should be at work, you feel guilty for not being at work, and because when you are not sleeping, taking meds, or watching mind-numbing television there is really nothing left to do.

So, you scour the internet for something entertaining, something that will make you ignore the piles of laundry that you know you should be doing or the dishes that are reaching unexplained heights in the sink.

And then you find Ugly Renaissance Babies.

And you laugh, which causes you to have a coughing fit that almost makes you gag which drags your husband away from making dinner and he starts to laugh, as you nod up at him with tears in your eyes, which suddenly grabs the attention of the almost 5 year old who comes running to see what you are laughing at and then she backs away in horror as she screams, "STOP LAUGHING AT JESUS'S PENIS!"

And it is only then you realize how blasphemous the whole thing must be, because page after page are paintings of the Madonna and the Baby Jesus and her boob is hanging out and his penis is flopping all over everything. But you can't stop laughing because it is not like you intentionally went looking for Jesus's penis and you want to blame the people of the Renaissance for being so obviously obsessed with the Virgin Mother's nip slips and the Holy Babe's Peter.

This is the most innocent one I can find.

Which gets you to thinking about Jesus and the Disciples and the fact that there were times when they were out on the boat or walking along the road and I am certain that at some point (being a man and all) that Jesus would need to pee. And being men, and knowing men, how I am suddenly certain that Peter or John or someone else standing to the right side of Jesus had to have snuck a little looksey in because that's what men do when they are standing next to another man peeing.

But I couldn't just announce these thoughts over dinner in front of the child, so instead I woke the Hubs up at my 1 AM med time and asked him if he thought that the disciples were sneaking peeks at the Holy Grail. To which he replied, "Probably not, Jesus probably just went to the lavatory and closed the door."

Now, I am not up on my biblical history, but I am pretty sure that that is not correct.
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