Thursday, December 27, 2012

Faking It

I go through this life, everyday, day after day, feeling like a big fake. A fake that can confidently and without a doubt tell you X,Y,or Z but is really not that sure that that is the correct answer after all. But, man, I can say it with confidence. 

I can spout Bible stories and verses and songs, but at night when I lie awake in my bed, questioning everything, my life, myself, my interactions of the day - I doubt. I doubt and I question and I wonder. I probably wouldn't ever say that around my kid, although, I would guess that it would be healthier for her in the long run if she knew the doubt, if she knew the incessant questioning of my soul so that when she wonders, when she questions, when she doubts, she will know that she is not weird or unfaithful. She will know that she just takes after her mother, in all of her weirdness, in all of her unfaithfulness, in all of her imagination. 

And that can be okay, too. Maybe.

There is no place in this world, this life that I have made myself that I can be 100% me with all of my doubts, all of my questions, all of my imagination. Me with the dirty mouth and the even dirtier mind...

I guess I am just mom, now. Just wife.  

Maybe next year will be better.

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