Thursday, December 6, 2012

I Don't Know If This Is Blasphemous...

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I have been on doctor-suggested bed rest due to a sinus infection and walking pneumonia, but am feeling so much better that I decided to actually go back to work today, which is a huge relief because I am almost out of episodes of The Secret Life of The American Teenager to watch on Netflix and Doomsday Preppers was a tad too crazy to really get behind it. Do not even get me started on the two episodes of Freaky Eaters I watched.

Instead, I am going to tell you that being on bed rest sucks. Especially when you know you should be at work, you feel guilty for not being at work, and because when you are not sleeping, taking meds, or watching mind-numbing television there is really nothing left to do.

So, you scour the internet for something entertaining, something that will make you ignore the piles of laundry that you know you should be doing or the dishes that are reaching unexplained heights in the sink.

And then you find Ugly Renaissance Babies.

And you laugh, which causes you to have a coughing fit that almost makes you gag which drags your husband away from making dinner and he starts to laugh, as you nod up at him with tears in your eyes, which suddenly grabs the attention of the almost 5 year old who comes running to see what you are laughing at and then she backs away in horror as she screams, "STOP LAUGHING AT JESUS'S PENIS!"

And it is only then you realize how blasphemous the whole thing must be, because page after page are paintings of the Madonna and the Baby Jesus and her boob is hanging out and his penis is flopping all over everything. But you can't stop laughing because it is not like you intentionally went looking for Jesus's penis and you want to blame the people of the Renaissance for being so obviously obsessed with the Virgin Mother's nip slips and the Holy Babe's Peter.

This is the most innocent one I can find.

Which gets you to thinking about Jesus and the Disciples and the fact that there were times when they were out on the boat or walking along the road and I am certain that at some point (being a man and all) that Jesus would need to pee. And being men, and knowing men, how I am suddenly certain that Peter or John or someone else standing to the right side of Jesus had to have snuck a little looksey in because that's what men do when they are standing next to another man peeing.

But I couldn't just announce these thoughts over dinner in front of the child, so instead I woke the Hubs up at my 1 AM med time and asked him if he thought that the disciples were sneaking peeks at the Holy Grail. To which he replied, "Probably not, Jesus probably just went to the lavatory and closed the door."

Now, I am not up on my biblical history, but I am pretty sure that that is not correct.

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