Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Here and Now

I’ve decided to attempt to go back to writing everyday again. I fell off the wagon, fell hard and have felt stuck these last few months. I am not sure where to begin so I figure I will lay it all out on the table and see what we come up with.

I quit my full time job a few months ago. I couldn’t deal with the negativity anymore, didn’t need the additional drain on my sanity, didn’t need the emotional toll that it took on me day after day for those last few months. I was so miserable there, so very unhappy all of the time, that it left me sick, exhausted, depleted. I couldn’t love my family the way they needed me to, I couldn’t love myself the way that I needed. So I quit.

And I feel kind of stupid now, looking back in hindsight, at the sheer irresponsibility of it all, even though I know that it was the right move for me, even though I know that there is something better for me just around the corner. I have two interviews tomorrow, in fact.

I spent the summer mothering. For the first time in a year, there was no job to run to, no other more pressing responsibility than to mother my child. She may have hated every moment of it, may have revolted against my every attempt to discipline her, but I think it has also brought her a bit more stability, a bit more confidence and trust in my abilities to effectively parent her.

I spent the summer repairing myself and my marriage. I went back to church, I prayed, I believed, and I began to heal the hurts of the past few years. We still have a way to go, but we are back on the road to recovery and that is a good road for all of us.

I spent the summer being a tourist. Seeing sites I have never seen, or have not seen in a long time. I went into the mountains for the first time since I was a child, I took my daughter to the beach, to the natural springs, to museums, and the park.

I spent the summer cleaning, purging my house of old clothes, old toys, old memories. I scrubbed and scoured and reclaimed my home from a year of neglect and animosity. There still a few more things that I would like to do, a few more pieces of furniture that I need to move, but it is home once again. 

And, now? Summer is over now, and I am ready, ready to get back to work. 

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