Monday, February 4, 2013

The ABCs of Raising a 5 Year Old

A - Annoying. She is not really that annoying (only at bed time and when I wake her up in the morning and in that 15 minutes until dinner time when she tries to bargain for every possible snack in the pantry). It's more of the way that she says annoying, which is awesome and makes me smile but is sure to be gone forever in the very near future. Ack-noying. "Momma, stop ack-noying me!"

B - Butt. All of the time, night or day. Butt. "Momma, momma, momma, mom, momma, momma, momma, look! Ha ha, you just looked at my butt!"

C - Candy. "Can I have a piece of candy for eating my dinner? Can I have a piece of candy for standing here staring at you? Can I have a piece of candy for breakfast? Can I have a piece of candy for going to school? For taking a nap? For listening? Because you punished me?" The bargaining never stops. 

D - Diva. Glitter lip gloss, too much makeup? Tutus, short shorts, and high heels? We have got you covered. 

E - Eating. Homegirl likes to eat when she is tired. The later it is, the hungrier she thinks she is. You can keep her up past her bedtime, just know that all of the vegetables from dinner will be polished off before she collapses in exhaustion. Another great E word for raising a 5 year old? Exhaustion. All of the time. 

F - Fat, Flabby, Fabulous. Yay! My kid learned new words. Ugh. "Please stop talking about my fat butt and my flabby boobies. I can't deal with it today."

G - Girl. I knew that one day I would have a little girl with curly hair and a good tan. I prayed for it for a long time, but how did I end up with such a girly-girl? It's like someone took a gigantic jar of Pepto-Bismal and glitter and dumped it in her closet. It's all just so pink and frilly and high-maintenance! She will never understand the pleasure of a 5 minute shower, a quick hairbrushing, and running out of the house. She will never understand how much easier low-maintenance is to maintain when you have a baby. 

H - Helper. There is nothing that I can do that does not involve a helper these days. From getting my shoes on in the morning, to, evidently, starting the car - I have a helper for that. Too bad she is not old enough to dress me and carry me to the car - I could use the few extra minutes of sleep in the mornings. 

I - Imagination. I honestly don't know what is real and imaginary anymore. When she came home and told me that a boy bit her on the thigh for talking too much, I looked at her leg. There was no mark that night, so I just assumed that this was another of her stories. Until the gigantic black and purple knot showed its ugly face the next day. When I asked her teacher about it, she said the exact same thing - no mark, must have just made it up so she didn't do any paperwork. Imagine her surprise when I showed her the bruise. 

J - Jealousy. Other children, especially younger children, watch out. She will not have you touching her momma. Ever. 

K - Kitten. "Put the kitten down." "Take that off of the kitten." "Please stop trying to put the kitten down your underwear." It's really amazing that anything is accomplished at our house. 

L - Laughter. Wherever the Supergirl may be, you are sure to be laughing. Honestly, it's the only alternative to going completely insane. 

M - Makeup, makeovers, call it what you will, the girl is obsessed. Be careful to not sleep too soundly lest you become the next victim. 

N - Noisy. There are precious few hours of silence in her wake. Enjoy them when you can. 

O - Occupations. She is going to be a cheerleader, no, a doctor, no, a veterinarian, no, a famous singer, no, on TV, no, a nurse, no, a mom, no, a seller of auto parts (eek!), no, a writer, no, a teacher, no, a painter, no, a worker at McDonald's. There is really no job that she is afraid to try out. 

P - Precocious. The tender age between big kid and little kid is a time of defiance and discovery. She will test her boundaries, over and over. There will not be a time when she will be just 5. She explained to someone just the other night that she was 15, she's just stuck in a little kid body. Fabulous. 

Q - Queen. She doesn't want to be the princess anymore. The queen has all of the power. 

R - Resistance. She will be your helper all of the time as long as you have no expectations. Ask her to help you out by picking up her things? "Oh, but, momma. I am so very tired. My legs, my legs are just so tired..." Of course they are, what was I thinking?

S - Sand. Jesus, the sand. Watch what happens at 1:10 - this is our normal.

T - Tattling. Lots and lots of tattling. Including telling on you to you, or threatening to call your mother.

U - Unimpressed. The harder you work at something for the kid, the more unimpressed she will be, but let someone give her 50 cents for a flippin' toy out of the bubble machine at the grocery store? That shit is like the Holy Grail.

V - Vulva. Also shout out to "Claire" at school for the ultra-special introduction to the word vagina. Seriously, "Claire" throw a momma bone and give me a heads up before you go teaching anatomy in preschool. 'Kay? The way she says vagina, though? Bagina. Another thing that I can not hear often enough. P.S.? The vulva is never a pocket. Ever. Stop sticking money in there. 6 AM is too early for me to make these kinds of discoveries. Also? Girls are friggin' gross.

W - Whatever. This right here is what is gonna make me smack my kid right across the face. When added to the preteen eye roll and the hand in my face that she has perfected, I may just go to jail.

X - That's the letter she will write on a piece of paper when she decides you are in trouble. Get too many Xs and she will try to punish you. It never works. She still does it. I have about a hundred Xs on pieces of paper in a shoebox in my closet.

Y - Youth. Wasted on people too silly to make the most of it.

Z - Supergirl.

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