I woke up yesterday morning, feeling considerably better about things than I have in a week. I know this may seem weird (believe me, I am kind of amazed myself) but I think I have just had enough.
I don't hate the Hubs for wanting to be happy. I don't hate him for leaving. I don't hate him for any of this. I am not angry or bitter or brokenhearted. I have had enough and now I am done.
I wish him the best, I really do. I hope that he gets the help that he needs to become a better father to our daughter. I hope that their relationship can be awesome and wonderful, because that is what she deserves. I hope that he allows her to vent her frustration and anger in this situation towards him because that's how she needs to heal.
But I am done.
I am done trying to make someone love me that never really could.
I am done trying to build a life with someone who was never going to really submit to our marriage and our life.
I am done holding my tongue and walking on eggshells to not offend sensitive egos.
I am done trying to make him just be happy, because, until he gets the help he needs he won't ever really be happy.
I am done wishing and hoping that one day I can be more important than his addictions.
This person, this man, has been my world for 18 years. He has always been the only one I have ever fantasized or dreamed of, he has always been my person. But I was never that for him, and no matter how hard I worked, no matter how hard I tried, I never could be.
For a long time, it killed me. It made me feel crazy. It made me feel like I was the one with an issue, that I was the one that had a problem.
But yesterday morning, I woke up and realized that I don't have to wait for him to love me, I don't have to try to chase after something that was already supposed to be mine, I don't have to walk on eggshells or hold my tongue, I don't have to live in the cycle of addiction anymore.
Yesterday morning, I woke up and realized I had had enough. It's a pretty good place to be right now.
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