Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Trials of a Tuesday

As the Scare Bear wisely pointed out this morning, no matter how much I keep telling myself that I am done, that it is over, I guess I am not making those boundaries, those cuts as clear and concise as they should be. I can see that there is  possibly some grey area, some confusion in this situation.

You see, since we separated, the Hubs spent Friday night at my house after watching Z so that I could go out with friends (first time out in 5 years!). He also had breakfast and hung out with us for most of the day on Saturday until Z and I left to go see a movie with Blade and Scare Bear's mom. On Sunday, after attending church with us, and a meeting after church, he came over for dinner and spent the night then as well.

And he spent the night again last night.

All of this time together could  did lead me to believe him when he said that he would like to restore our family, that he would like to try to fix things, that he is willing to do the work and get the help and get us back. I had started to believe his words again and was starting to think that maybe we could really make this work.

I could feel myself giving in little bit by little bit.

And then, as if by some miraculous sign, information appeared to me out of nowhere. And when confronted with the information, the Hubs confirmed it's truth. Everything I ever needed to know was all right there.

And my heart broke all over again.

I guess what I am getting at here, is that this is new territory for me. I have never been in this place before and I am unsure how to navigate from the skewed and blurred edges to a clean break. My fear wonders if a clean break is even what I really want.

Supergirl praying at church.
Dear God,

I have prayed for truth, I have prayed for vision and for clarity, I have prayed for peace and wisdom. I know that you are giving me all of this information that I cannot unsee for a reason. I know that it seems like I am still too blind to see the reason. 

I know that you value marriage and family, Lord. I know that you are the giver of all things great and good. I feel like I have failed you because for as many as I have brought to you, the very one that you have bound me to seems to have gotten lost again. 

Lord, restoration seems so far away, so very, very impossible but if it is your will to build back this family, I will obey. If it is your will that I walk away, I will obey. I will trust in what you decide.

I know that ultimately you want, you need, me to forgive this. I am really struggling with that, God. Whatever happened to an eye for an eye, a broken heart for a broken heart? You know the full picture, the entire story, how can you still expect me to forgive?

I am going to mull this over for a few more days, just to make sure that I've got this straight. I'll let you know what I came up with you.

Love you, Lord. In Jesus' name, I pray.


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