We have two simultaneous crises happening at once in our world. Our increasing brokeness would be the first part of that, and then, of course, is our separation.
This month, I feel like we have rallied against the brokeness of it all more than we have been able to deal with our separation (and perhaps that is how God works, knowing that if i had it all together, if I was able to be independent of him that it is unlikely that we would have spent much time trying to repair a marriage that is now 3 times broken).
I hate feeling like I am dependent on anyone, especially someone who I have convinced to be dependent on me for so long. It makes me feel trapped sometimes, suffocated, like I have nowhere to turn except to this person who I am still not certain that I will be able to forgive.
What if I were able to forgive (again)?
What would that look like?
Does forgiveness mean that I have to squash the anger, the hurt, the betrayal? Forget every intense wave of nausea that overtakes me when I think about the injustice, the selfishness of his actions?
Does it mean that we just go back to how things were in the past? When I was overlooked, neglected, disrespected, and made to feel unworthy of love, companionship, warmth, or care?
What if he was right when he said that I was using my hobbies, my interests as a wall to keep him out, away?
Who's to say who started neglecting who first? It happened. I'll admit that I recognize that walls were built, but I always felt like I was building mine as a reaction to being so lonely for so long that I needed a distraction, a way of taking away the pain of no longer being important.
Why do people think that this is all so sudden? That it just happened a month ago? There is nothing sudden about this and perhaps that's why I wasn't as destroyed as I thought I would (should?) be.
For the last week or so, I haven't been able to write, so confused and sad and caught up in this mess I've been. I focus in on song lyrics like a 13 year old girl rather than being able to focus on much else.
I am glad to say that he is in therapy, that he has made a few small steps. I think my biggest fear is that if I should forget, no more steps will be made.
And that we will be right back here again in a year and a half.