I have this terrible disease that sometimes infects my entire thought process. It basically likes to point out all of the ways that I don't measure up, makes me feel worthless, and therefore powerless against all manners of chaos (like my life, my marriage, the raising of my child, following my faith, successfully cooking dinner without causing any permanent scarring, etc. etc.). I hear in some parts of the world that this disease is called being a woman.
I prefer to call it being a girl. Women are amazing and can do amazing things. Being a girl, well, being a girl just plain out sucks. And when you have been a woman, and you have made a difference in the world, and then you slip back into being a girl, well, it really, really sucks.
The last few weeks I see people posting on Facebook asking for prayers, asking for support through difficult times, and I see all of the "will do", "no problem", and "PRAYING!!!!" responses and the girl in me thinks they've got it taken care of, they are better Christians than me. God will listen to them. They know how to pray and how to ask for grace and divine leadership, I do not.
I see the past few months of insecurity and instability in our lives, and I think, Here is the proof that I am not a leader, that I am not as good of a Christian as I thought I was, that I have been failing God.
In my heart, I know that this is all just a bunch of lies that I am telling myself, but my brain aches with the images of the old me, the one that was never enough for anyone and even though I am not who I once was, during times of turmoil and stress, my brain goes back to those old mantras yet again.
Psalm 116:1-2 says, "I love the LORD because he hears and answers my prayers. Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath!"
I never pray for things I want. In fact, I pray all the time thanking God for things, I never ask for His help, or for His assistance on things, even really big things. I ask stronger Christians (i.e. better, more knowledgeable, longer term Christians) to pray for me and my family instead, even though I know that we are not their priority, or even their burden.
Tonight, I am going to teach the girl a new way to pray. We are going to learn this together, that we are worth God hearing and listening too, that we are important to Him, that we are important enough to warrant His attention, His love, and His Grace. That we are not just the undeserving recipients of His blessings, but also deserving children that need all that He has to pour down on us.
I hope that you will pray for us too.