For the last month or so, I have wanted to call her. To talk to her, to let her know that I had not villainized her like the rest, to let her now that I was still her friend, to let her know that I understood her human tendencies, that I knew that she was broken, she was messy, but that I still loved her.
But excuses, life, and work got in the way.
This morning that I found out that she had died.
Taken her life.
And I struggle to understand.
I have been in the Holes of Despair. I have seen the utter blackness that envelopes you there. I know the pain, I know that hurt.
More importantly, I know the fatigue. The overwhelming, aching need to rest, to not fight anymore, to just let the darkness take you over, cover you like a warm blanket. I understand the need to let go.
I was younger then, no family to care for, no child to call me Momma.
I fought back and discovered that it was all a mirage, there was no pit, there was no darkness, only the twisted remnants of my own mind creating a torture just for me.
She was different, older, a mother of 3 young boys. She had seen miracles, the youngest, a blatant, physical miracle of God.
How could she have forgotten that? How?
Yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day. It was also the day that I admitted to myself that I have been playing on a very slippery slope lately and that, perhaps, it was time for me to get back on my meds. Yesterday, I made the appointment to talk to the doctor about it.
Suicide is preventable.
My kid keeps me alive. The Hubs, Scare Bear, and JoDene keep me alive.
Sometimes spite keeps me alive. (Ha, ha still livin' bitches! You can't do anything to me!)
What keeps you alive? What makes you climb out of the Holes of Despair to fight again?
*By the way, I have a habit of putting songs with things and attempting to title the post with these songs. Unfortunately, all I have got today is I'm Still Alive by Pearl Jam which is not even remotely related to the post at all. I am sorry and will try to do better in the future. Now can someone please get this blanking song out of my head? Between the tears and Eddie Vedder, I am getting pretty close to a migraine of disastrous proportions.