Friday, September 28, 2012

Professions That I Would Not Be Good At...

I am pretty good at a handful of things. I can come up with fun things to do with little kids (apparently, by the time those same children are 7 and 4 I am boring, stupid, and irrelevant). Could someone please have a baby around here so that I can feel adored again? I can crochet the hell out of some hats, scarves, and blankets (oh, and that Martha Stewart poncho that was all the rage when she got out of prison, hers looked better, of course). I can sew Halloween costumes for the kid and can usually come up with some pretty awesome ideas. I can sing Karaoke in dimly lit bars while drunk men tell me that I should be a star (beer goggles, ya'll, beer goggles).

But I acknowledge that there are things that I will never be good at. Some of them I am okay with, others, well, I kind of wish I could be.

1. I could never be a hooker. There is a lot of standing and walking in a)skirts and b) heels. I'm not that kind of girl. Plus, there's the whole moral, ethical, and legal dilemmas that you have to go through. Meh. Also? I talk too much and I am pretty sure that men would prefer their hookers to be silent and quick about things.

2. I could never be a stripper. Putting my obvious weight issues aside, I tend to get a bit giggly when it comes to being seductive. Or dancing.  The more serious I try to be about my seductiveness or my dance skills, the more hilariously funny it becomes to me. Then I snort. I always snort.

3. I could never be a bartender. Unless all I served was beer, in bottles. I always add too much or too little alcohol to mixed drinks. There is far too much pressure there.

4. I could never be a preschool teacher. I know my kid has been kind of a B lately (I would say the full word, but am pretty sure that some people would prefer that I not call my kid a bitch on the internet, although it does seem to be the only word in the whole English language that fits her behavior as of late). I am not sure that I could deal with a classroom filled with 12-15 of the little heathens. (Thank you, God, for teachers that love the children and their jobs, I would never be able to do what they do, day in and day out)

5. I could never work on a trash truck or at the dump. My sniffer is much too sensitive for that. Plus, those trash guys don't seem very talkative or friendly.

6. I could never work at the animal shelter. I would bring home new "babies" every single day. And then I would be alone because the Hubs would take the kid and run out on me. One of my biggest fears is dying alone with just the animals.

Seriously. Someone should just have a kid for me to have. Like yesterday.

7. I could never work at a fabric or crafts store. I would be working for stuff. I don't need stuff. I need more time to make stuff to giveaway so that I can make some room for more stuff.

Or something.

8. I could never be a fashion or interior designer. For obvious reasons.

9. I could never work in or own a bakery.

I like cake. And frosting. And pie.

We would be so fat.

What jobs could you never do? What jobs fascinate you? Do you want another baby?

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