Wednesday, October 17, 2012

That Damn Clock

It might be the anti-depressants talking, it may be that I am now officially on the downward slope to 40 (even though I look like I am still in my 20s according to nearly every person I encounter lately), but I want a baby. 

This girl, this almost-5-going-on-15-year-old that lives in my house?

Not a baby.

My head knows that we have far too much going on right now to possibly deal with a baby. In fact, we have been reluctant to replace the dog that died almost 3 years ago because we are just not around often enough to deal with the responsibility. My head knows all of the reasons why I shouldn't have a baby. 


For the first time since I gave birth to the Supergirl, I find myself craving a baby so completely that it is hard to think of most anything else. Sure, I would have taken another baby anywhere along the way, but I have not really yearned for it. I have talked about someday, but someday felt a million miles away, not tangible, not even really reality.

And then there is the hard part. It is not enough for me to just want a baby, I actually have to work at getting pregnant while anyone else can cast a knowing look across the living room and BAM! nine months later they are carrying around a sweet little bundle of awesome while I am over here trying REALLY hard not to burst that post-pregnancy bubble with my tears of loss, frustration, and defeat. 

It's hard. 

But maybe this, this wanting is exactly where God wants me right now, eager and happy to receive rather than doubtful, anxious, and worried.

And, today? That's what I am gonna go with.

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