Friday, October 19, 2012

Where Reality Hits the Blog

The real reason that I don't have another child? The Supergirl told me that she would "punch that baby in the FACE!" (Thank you Scare Bear for teaching my child that awesome, awesome phrase.)

The real reason that I didn't wear a skirt or dress today? The almost-5-year-old weather "caster" in my living room this morning told me there was a 6 cent chance of giant bunnies, an 8 cent chance of big bears, and an oncoming tornado, ensuring that I be prepared to be "bounced and tornated" today.

The real reason that I no longer try to nibble on a little girl's toes in the morning? She has recently noticed that her feet are just like her daddy's and now informs me to get off of her "big, smelly, stinky daddy feet" while laughing hysterically.

The real reason that my entire body aches today? I chose to take the shortest distance to sleep last night after a very long workday by taking the world's worst sleeper to bed with us last night instead of staying up and playing the bedtime game for hours. I am pretty sure that she may have impaled my kidney with her sharp ass knee.

The real reason that I don't respond when my child says excitedly, "Guess what I did!" is because I know, I know that she has just farted. I know because after several trips to the grocery store and anywhere else in public that she has done it she would exclaim "I FARTED" to everyone within a 50-foot parameter, I told her we should let it be a game and just let us guess what she did. Now, she insists that we guess immediately, even if we have just heard it or smelled it. She will not calm down until we acknowledge it. Additionally, her pleas for us to "just smell it" (while she giggles in anticipation) are becoming quite bothersome (and rather nauseating). We may have to keep her at home more often.

Finally, the real reason that I do not wear makeup in public? My stylist is still learning some fine motor skills and coordination, she lacks understanding of fall and winter shades, and goes for a "more is better" approach when it comes to applying makeup. Until she practices a bit more, I am going to remain pretty much clean faced in public. Although, some of the makeovers I have woken up to lately, are pretty monumental and quite the adrenaline booster.

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