Saturday, July 23, 2011

By Any Other Name...

I have had a lot of names in my history. Good and bad.

Someone - There were a lot of kids in my household growing up, so we developed a system. If my father yelled for Someone I would answer, Somebody was my sister, Anyone was my oldest younger brother and Anybody was my youngest younger brother. It worked out, being the oldest if my father yelled for Someone is was probably something that the younger kids couldn't do.

The R-word and the B-word - He would also use these words interchangeably when referring to me in anger. I still hear them in my head from time to time when I do something especially stupid. It's always his voice in my head telling me that I am not good enough, not special enough, just plain not enough.

The B-word is also what I have been called at the majority of my jobs, having worked as an office manager and in customer service, mostly by customers, sometimes by employees. It's something I have become used to, and I no longer take it personally as it is people's response to their unhappiness with the company's policies and not a personal attack on me (although when I was very young and just starting out it was difficult to understand that, and hurtful).

There are the normal names that people are called scattered through there as well: wife, honey, babe, momma, sister, friend, etc.

There are names that are reserved just for me - the nickname that my Grandma called me when I was little, Heever, Heffer, and Heddy, and names that I wanted to be called, sultry, mysterious, maybe even a minx.

There are the names that I have called myself in the deepest part of my twisted disease - stupid, ugly, fat, disgusting, pig, awful, grotesque, and on and on.

Last night, I heard a new term used to describe me, a name I never thought would ever be used for me - Goody-Goody.

The definition according to the Apples to Apples game (which is awesome ya'll, a great ice breaker and super fun) a Goody-Goody is sweet, well-behaved and virtuous. I guess in my mind a Goody-Goody is rather flat, two dimensional, boring, safe. It's not someone that you would want to hang out with, someone you would call up to do things with, someone who can really understand the world outside of the safety of her house, church or community.

Holly Hobby - The ultimate Goody-Goody. (Love that dress though, don't be surprised if you see a tutorial on that soon!)
Goody-Goody does not describe me. It's what I have tried to be all of my life, to be the good girl, the safety net, the one that people could count on to help them up and dust them off - but I have failed at truly reaching that mecca of goodness (because the voices telling me that I am not good enough still ring through my head, because the disapproving looks from the ones that I need to impress tell me so).

I have tried to pretend so hard that people wouldn't know that I wasn't what I really longed to be - Normal.

Of all the names that I have been called, there is one that I am called least of all, the one that I rather enjoy, the one that I most like to hear.

Because no one ever calls me Heather...

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