Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Toughest Bits

It's not hard to function without the Hubs. Not terribly hard. There have always been a lot of activities and adventures that Supergirl and I would go on alone. This is really nothing new.

But nights are hard. When I lay her down in bed and she cries for her Daddy. And we pray and she prays for Daddy to please come home. That's hard, but not new. She had always done that in the great Before.

And after I put her to sleep and I wander aimlessly from room to room, working on projects, waiting.

(Waiting for what? For him to come home? For him realize the mess and destruction that he left here for me to deal with? For him to put on his man pants and decide that enough is enough?)

(And at this point, would I even really want that? Would I even really be able to accept the I'm sorries and the I F**ed ups? Do I want to?)

The not sleeping and wandering leads to self-doubt, leads to blame cast unto myself. The hours spent without a single adult in the world to discuss them with is probably not the best place I can be right now. It's a dark, dark place here in the still, silent world of abandoned Momma.

(Shit, when I did I become a victim? I don't accept that role, women are too strong, too smart, too awesome to allow themselves to play that role. Dig yourself out, pull yourself up. Why are you doing this? You told him to leave, you told him that it was over, that you weren't going to live like this anymore. This is YOUR choice, keep moving, keep moving...)

In the wee small hours of the morning, when the girl crawls into my bed (just after I have finally closed my eyes, always when I have just laid down), she asks where her Daddy is. And I have to tell her all over again that he lives with Grandma and G-Daddy now, that he wasn't happy, and that he is trying to find his happy. And we pray to God to use his tools on Daddy's heart, to fix it so that Daddy can stop breaking ours (her words, not mine).

And another day starts again, tripping over the toughest bits, and trying to smile through the easier ones.

It might be easier if the sun would ever come out again in the SUNSHINE freaking state. I feel like I haven't seen the sun since Christmas (I know I will be cursing it in the summer) and I need to feel the warmth and the goodness that it brings.

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