Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Mysteries of Life

WAH-WAH-WAH... the alarm clock sounded at exactly 5:30 this morning. Not unlike any other morning, actually. I lifted my hand to stop the madness and a little 4 year old voice came from behind me, startling me out of my must-hit-snooze stupor.

"Finally, someone is awake. I am so happy that you are finally awake. I have been laying here for forever waiting for someone to talk to me and play with me. Why can't cats talk? I keep talking to Oliver but he won't talk back to me. Daddy bought milk at the store yesterday so that I could have Priskies for breakfast - "

"You mean, Rice Krispies?"

"Yeah, those. Momma, when will the alarm clock go off again? You are not all the way up yet and I am SOOOO tired of laying in this bed. Can't we turn on the light and talk? I really need to know about my cat. Do you think something is wrong with him? I really can't wait until he starts talking to me like a normal person."

"What are the numbers on the clock?"

Much shuffling as she makes her way to her knees to peer over my shoulder.

"Three...Zero...Six" (I keep the alarm clock 32 minutes fast because I cannot do math when I am just waking up in the morning and every time I look at it I think I am running late. Also, in case you had not guessed this, Z reads from right to left. It's a start, at least all of the numbers were correct.)

I clear my throat. "Six minutes. In six minutes the alarm clock will go off and I will get up."

"Okay. I have to pee though. Now, momma." She climbs over me, causing the blankets and the cat to go crashing to the floor. "Oops." She turns on the bathroom light and it is now shining in my eye, like a lighthouse on a dark and stormy night. I glare at her small frame wrestling with her panties, trying to figure out where all of this energy and life has come from.

She sprints back into the bed. "Now, momma. Please tell me. Explain to me why Oliver is not speaking to me."

"Because cats have different vocal chords and smaller brains."

"But one day, when I am old, I will have a smaller brain and my head won't be so big. Will I forget how to talk? Will Oliver be able to talk and then I won't be able to talk back to him? Won't he be heartbroken then? Oh, momma, why does my head have to shrink."

I need a shrink, I think as I roll over to face her. "Your head is not going to shrink. Look at my gigantic head. It has only grown since I was a little girl -"

"A long, long time ago right, momma? You were a little girl long, long ago. But now you are huge and you have a big, fat head."

"Yeah, so anyway, your cat is never going to be able to talk to you. We do not live in Narnia, cats cannot talk on Earth."

"But one day, Oliver will be a lion and he will be able to live in the woods like a wild cat and we will miss him. That happened once to my other cat, Brussel Sprout. He turned into a tiger and lives in the woods."

At this point, I need a break. I need to use the bathroom and get my bearings. I turn on the Hubs, who had just come in from work a little over an hour ago.

"Z, did you tell Daddy what's living under the porch?"

To Be Continued...


  1. So sweet. OK, it's been a few months now, has Oliver learned to speak yet?? ;)

    I actually knew a dog who could talk when I was a kid. His "Mom" had throat cancer and part of her jaw removed, etc. and couldn't speak, but the dog could say his name, I love you, and some other phrases. Then there was Hoover the talking seal at the Boston aquarium, so a talking cat isn't entirely out of the question. :)

    1. Oliver communicates through his eyes, as in, "Bitch, don't call my name when I am out hunting", "I feel like playing so if you step over me, I am gonna scratch your leg", and my personal favorite, "What do you mean you forgot to buy cat food?" All he has to do is look at me and I know.

  2. Oh this is too funny! I remember (note I did not say "miss") those days. Mine are older now, as in the baby turns into a teen next month! I'm Anne of Life on the Funny Farm, here from Wrinkled Mommy. Nice to "meet" you!

    1. So now you are the one waking them up at way-too-early o'clock. I am not gonna call you lucky, I am not looking forward to those years AT ALL. Thanks for the visit!

  3. This was good! Are you linking part two up next week? I want to know what happens next.

    1. I could, but you could just skip ahead and read it here:

      Thank you for coming by and reading!


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