Monday, May 21, 2012

The Good Girl

I am a nice girl.

A good girl. A safe girl.

I am reserved, but not shy. I tread lightly among people I do not know, observing.

If you hurt me, I am thinking 10 steps ahead of the now trying to create a plan to forgive you because that is what I do.

I forgive, I always forgive...

And no matter how angry, disappointed, hurt, or raw I am on the inside - you will probably never know it. I censor, I edit, and I keep it to myself.

Because that's what good girls do.

But there are moments. Moments when I will close in on myself. Where I will shut down and shut everyone out. Those are the times that I need to focus on me. On what I have going on. On the million balls and things that I have in the air right now.

Those are the moments that you won't hear from me, you may not see me. I'm still here, just have to change focus and pare down.

And it may make you mad. It may cause you to think there is anger, disappointment, or stress where there is none. And you may project your own insecurities and your own guilt on my silence.

And I could tell you that I care and that you shouldn't do that, or that I love you and all of the warm snuggly things that people tell people...

But honestly, I don't care.

I spend a whole lot of my time, my energy, my thought process worrying about what other people need, expect, want. It's part of being a good girl, a nice girl. It's part of being me.

But right now, if I don't focus on myself for a change and only the minute things that I can deal with in this very minute, if I don't shut myself down and off for a just a little while...

I am going to burn out.

And my kid needs me to not do that.

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