I don't belong.
Maybe I never have.
I look at this world through my window, shut out from real contact, real intimacy, anything real. I don't like to be touched. It bothers me, when people think they can just touch you for no reason, rub your back, grab your arm. They have no idea how jolting, how harming that little touch can be. There are times that I have to even step away from the kid, because she is being too touchy, there is too much going on, my senses are in overload.
In fact, I feel overloaded. Unable to focus, unable to unwind, unable to concentrate on the here, the now. Unable to connect to the world, except through my window, but even that sometimes fogs over, becomes blurry from trying to get too close, from trying to see things better, clearer.
There are times that I have felt like I have been through the window, in the same sunshine that the others dance in, that if I just try hard enough that maybe I could fit in, not be exposed.
I know that this is the slippery slope into scary places. I know because I have been down this path, ridden this ride, have populated this territory before.
This. This is not the fun side of crazy. This is the dark, unyielding side of crazy. The side that tells you it won't get better, that it can't be better, that you will never belong, you will never be okay, that you don't deserve to be blessed. Not like the others.
I have seen the days, touched by sunlight, the days that truly have been blessed. I have felt the good days, the happy days. The days that I felt like I did fit in, that I could fit in. I know that they can come back. And while I teeter~totter with my own mental illness, my own dark side (if you will), I know that this is just a blip. A tiny little mark on happy, on sunny, on blessed.
It sucks now.
I won't let it suck forever.
Things I would like to buy today: