Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Known Vs. Unknown

As I have discussed before, I have a fear of the unknown. I worry that it will steer me wrong, hurt me, change my plan or schedule, make me re-evaluate my priorities, rob me of something trivial. I can feel it coming, tingling in my pores, vibrating in my brain.

In this case the Known and Unknown are skewed from their typical perches, which makes my fear a bit irrational at best.

I had told myself that I would not talk about this on the blog, that I would not ask for a pity party or try to garner any kind of sympathy, but in the interest of full disclosure and honesty, here I go.

I live my life in pain. Almost daily, excrutiating, bothersome pain. I have been this way since Z came along (which would be comical if it weren't so damn painful, that I had never felt pain before her really, didn't even know what a contraction might feel like, kept wondering if I would have her in my sleep since I had never had so much as a cramp).

It has become my Known.

For the most part, I have learned to manage my pain, deal with it, minimize it. There are flares, attacks, that are completely out of hand and that my pain medication will not touch. Those days are the worst, those days are the ones where Pity rides in so that we can have a very bad party. Insisting that Hubs find a new wife and mother, someone who is not so injured, so hurt, so useless.

And then the hospital if it goes on for too long, becomes too much to bear, starts to feel as though my skin can no longer contain the pain and that it will explode through my body without some intervention.

It is strange that I can claim this as my Known, take comfort in knowing the ideology of this disease, the triggers and hardness of it all.

This morning, my eyes were opened to a new Unknown. The idea of living life as a momma - pain free. Without the added burden of having to carry pain medication with me "just in case". The possibility of going places and doing things with my daughter without the "what ifs". Of being able to eat without wondering if this will be what pushes me into the pain. Of being able to go out of town without concern of locations of nearest hospitals and labs for my bi-monthly blood draws.

While I am excited and eager to live this dream life, I am scared. Scared that my hopes will be dashed, scared that another doctor will be proven wrong by my stubborn body, scared that the pain will intensify instead of dissapate, scared that my child will grow up knowing that I hurt (and that she will somehow think that it is her fault).

I am making a choice to proceed headlong into the Unknown and to pray for the best. The Unknown may not be pain free, but it may be my only shot towards getting there.

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