Tuesday, March 1, 2011

On Fear

Fear consumes me.

There have been tangible moments in my life, moments that, had I just listened to my fear, big, bad things would never have happened. To me, to my family, to my friends. Had others not laughed me off and proceeded with their plans, the Unknown would never have caught up with them.

I feel like women (or maybe all people, but who really knows what men think) have this sense when something big is about to happen. Especially when something bad is about to happen. There is a heaviness, a current, a restlessness, a something pointing directly towards the Unknown, but we do not know what it is. Lori discusses it here (read her blog, by the way, it's hard and raw, but the writing is so good that I feel like I have known her forever). 

The problem is that I am feeling all of this now. Something big is about to happen, something that is going to change my life. And I am scared.

At first, I thought it was just the weather. I mean it has been balmy and 85 out here for the last two weeks and it's never like that in February. Then, I thought, maybe it is just the month of February. My father died 3 years ago on Valentine's Day, it's a hard month for me to cope with, but this year, Valentine's Day floated on by like it was not a big deal and it didn't hurt as much as it has before.

The Fear is pushing me into dark corners and hard thoughts that I try to overcome everyday.

I can point to exact points in my life that I have felt this way and the subsequent major life changes that have happened to correspond with it. I can explain to you the way events turned or swayed in ways that they never have to coincide with said event.

Maybe, in my old age, I am turning into a bit of a conspiracy theorist (I guess it would not be that big of a leap), but until the Unknown reveals itself, I will be snuggling my family a little tighter, holding on to what's important and praying that God brings us through as unharmed as we can be.

And letting Fear know that it cannot control me.

 Update: Two days after writing this post, our car died. You can read more about that here.

1 comment:

  1. Just give that feeling to God, and maybe things wont turn out so bad.


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