Saturday, March 12, 2011

We Are All Going To Die!

According to my e-mail, I am going to die.

Apparently, everything I do, everywhere I go and everything I eat is killing me. Worse yet, I am killing my daughter and husband as well - in fact, we all are. Obviously, doctors are all hiding these "truths" from us, because they are just out to make money and push drugs on us. We must be supervigilant because no one would want to succumb to the plans of the "the man".

E-mails from well-meaning older relatives and ex-coworkers tell me that I should not run, have a baby in a hospital, eat vegetables, eat soup (or anything from a can), feed my child from glass or plastic, own a pet, allow pet to sleep with child, eat meat, watch TV, listen to the radio, drive, use a cell phone, a microwave, a clothes dryer, a dishwasher or drink Pepsi products.

My computer is probably already infected with 8000 viruses and those same viruses can probably make me sick, but I would never know because my doctor wants to keep me sick so that my insurance can keep paying him money. And since I do not sleep with a cut onion in my room, I will surely die from those unknown viruses.

I think we should probably ban everyone over 50 from using the internet until they have taken some remedial courses in how the internet works. Until they have a basic understanding in the amount of garbage that fills their e-mail boxes and how "old-man" crazy it makes them seem. I think the older that people get, the more a) distrustful they get of the world, b) susceptible they are to conspiracy theories, and c) worried that somehow they are not passing down important knowledge that could save the species from certain annihilation.

The thing is, we are all going to die. Life is a terminal illness and, unfortunately, even the best people on the planet will eventually die. The best that we can hope for is that we get quality time with our family and friends, that we make an impact on our kid's lives and that we leave more than a headstone behind.

I do not doubt that there are industries out there counting on us to get sick (we all do), but I do doubt that they are trying to kill us, steal our religion from us, or implant tracking devices into our brains (great idea for the kiddos though), they like our money too much.

That's probably the computer viruses talking though...

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