Thursday, June 21, 2012

The Life and Times of Goldie

We are gathered here to remember the life of Goldie, the goldfish. He passed away suddenly this morning and after a quick sea burial was almost completely forgotten by the kid. It seemed fitting to give him a eulogy here, as he has been a featured guest here on a pretty regular basis over the last year.

Oh, if I could talk to Goldie, one more time, I would apologize that he/she had to live such a hard life. From being born presumably at Wal-Mart, to growing up in a crowded tank, and sometimes having to feed off of his own deceased family members, I am sorry Goldie for the crowds of children that would stop at the tank and bang on the glass. I am sorry that you were sold for such a cheap rate (although to be honest, if you cost anymore than 38 cents, I probably wouldn't have bought you).

I am sorry that there are inconsistent theories relating to your sex. The Hubs and I always considered you a male, Supergirl insists that you were female. Now, we will never know (unless you go all Ponyo on us, but that would be pretty freaky).

The Supergirl LOVES this movie. I liked it the first 50 times we watched it. 
I am sorry that the Supergirl lacked creativity the day that you were named. It was an off day for her as you know, since then she has named a cat Oliver, a chick Mulch, and another chick Gravy. At least she never tried to change your name mid stream. I have been Momma, Mommy, Mom, Heather, and the Fat Chick in the Kitchen. Seriously, Goldie, you should count your blessings. 

I apologize profusely for the Bleach Incident of 2011. I wish that I could have caught that before it happened, and was so relieved that you not only lived through that, but also that you seemed to thrive from it.

I am sorry that you had to live your life in the bathroom. And that the only view that you ever had was that of someone's ass flying towards your bowl. It was not an ideal situation, but after the cat arrived, and your were still living, I had to do the only thing I could to protect you.

I am sorry that some people (yes, Scare Bear, I am talking to you) could never remember to close the door to the bathroom behind themselves so that the cat could not drink from your bowl. I seriously hope that the cat is not carrying some kind of fish killing bacteria in his mouth - especially since Supergirl was so insistent this morning that you must be replaced immediately.

For a 38 cent goldfish, Goldie, you did a really good job of sticking with us. You lasted a whole lot longer than I ever expected you to. Hell, I was amazed that you made it home after the kid shook that bag over and over again in the store. She has seen Nemo, she knows what could happen and DID IT ANYWAY (she may be a psychopath).

Rest (float?) in peace, Goldie (or Goldy) - you were a great fish.


  1. Ha! I loved this, and I'm sure Goldie can now rest in peace knowing just how much he/she was loved/tolerated for the span of his/her glorious life. However, he/she might be a bit disturbed by the fact there was an ad for Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers from Amazon at the end of this post. Just saying... ;)

    Hopping from Finding the Funny.

    1. It was the only goldfish that you can buy on Amazon. I thought it was funny. Thanks for dropping by!

  2. Perfect eulogy! I have a Betta Fish named Pedro. I hope he can live like just like Goldie did: Surviving in spite of terrible odds.


    Came by from #FindingTheFunny.


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