The problem is that I have a hard time quantifying that authenticity with the lack of filter that I seem to have on my mouth. It's not that I am walking around cussing people out, or being loud for no reason - but, given the opportunity to actual speak about myself or my family, I find that I tend to release a whole lot of information all at once on rather unsuspecting people that are obviously, almost painfully, trying to find a way to escape my verbal diarrhea.
This usually happens with strangers. At first I come off as witty and smart (maybe?), but give me the 5 minutes too long that I need to muck it up and I will.
|What really happens when I speak...|
I know that I am sucking up all of the conversation in the room. I feel like I am sucking up all the oxygen. I am silently begging myself to PLEASE STOP TALKING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. And yet, my mouth just continues to go on. And on and on.
I am starting to think that rather than being in a community group for church, I might want to look for a metal health recovery group. At least those people would want to hear all of my crazy rather than just being punished by it. I thought that might seem a bit needy though, to have a bunch of people in a room just listen to my own personal brand of crazy stream from out of nowhere.
I don't think that I do this out of nervousness, perhaps being a bit over eager to share my story and get them to share their stories with me.
Although, I am not sure when they actually get a chance to share their stories because my mouth will not just stop moving. I am thinking that the next time I fast, maybe I should fast from talking. I am fairly certain that God needs me to take a break in the silence and think about my motivation to fill up all of the space with so much noise.
Duct tape comes in all different colors, perhaps I should just invest in some.
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