Authenticity vs. Verbal Diarrhea

I like to think that I am an authentic person. And in most ways, in most situations, that is accurate. I am the same person when I am being a secretary as I am when I am working in a parts house as I am when I am being a wife and a mother. With me, what you see is what you get. For better or worse.

The problem is that I have a hard time quantifying that authenticity with the lack of filter that I seem to have on my mouth. It's not that I am walking around cussing people out, or being loud for no reason - but, given the opportunity to actual speak about myself or my family, I find that I tend to release a whole lot of information all at once on rather unsuspecting people that are obviously, almost painfully, trying to find a way to escape my verbal diarrhea.

This usually happens with strangers. At first I come off as witty and smart (maybe?), but give me the 5 minutes too long that I need to muck it up and I will.

What really happens when I speak...

I actually had this happen last night at a community group. It started with an innocent statement and the next thing I know I am STILL talking like 30 minutes later while the people sitting close to me are laughing uncomfortably and making eyes at their spouses to come and save them.

I know that I am sucking up all of the conversation in the room. I feel like I am sucking up all the oxygen. I am silently begging myself to PLEASE STOP TALKING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. And yet, my mouth just continues to go on. And on and on.

I am starting to think that rather than being in a community group for church, I might want to look for a metal health recovery group. At least those people would want to hear all of my crazy rather than just being punished by it. I thought that might seem a bit needy though, to have a bunch of people in a room just listen to my own personal brand of crazy stream from out of nowhere.

I don't think that I do this out of nervousness, perhaps being a bit over eager to share my story and get them to share their stories with me.

Although, I am not sure when they actually get a chance to share their stories because my mouth will not just stop moving. I am thinking that the next time I fast, maybe I should fast from talking. I am fairly certain that God needs me to take a break in the silence and think about my motivation to fill up all of the space with so much noise.

Sigh.

Duct tape comes in all different colors, perhaps I should just invest in some.


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