For the last almost four years since Z came on the scene we have talked about having another kid somewhere down the line. I even talked about the next time during labor. The plan was always for there to be more kids, to not have an only child.
And for awhile, although outwardly I kept with the plan, I prayed that she would be the only. I grew up in a house full of kids, but I am closer with my friends than my siblings. Physically and emotionally. I rationalized that what she needed was friends, lifelong companions that would stand with her through thick and thin.
Lately, though, I realize that our decision to have more kids was never about her. We didn't consider her feelings when we discussed things before she was born. We prayed that she would be multiples (triplets, actually) so that we could have one pregnancy and be done.
I want more babies. Or a baby. Just one more. A brother, since I haven't been down that road yet.
I miss holding that small person that fit so perfectly against me. I miss that new baby smell, that conglomeration of baby powder, wipes, baby soap and sour milk. I miss those firsts - the smile, the giggle, the tenuous first steps. Z will have firsts again - but they will never be like those first firsts.
Z needs another human's needs to be placed before her own. She needs too have to share space and attention. She needs to have someone knock her down a few pegs. She needs to be humble. And nothing (not a puppy or a cat or a fish) will do that like a baby.
Eventually that baby will become a kid, but a kid with a different personality than hers. Perhaps a bit more compliant or gifted in another way, and she will have to learn how to navigate and accept differences rather than shunning them.
We all want another. And it's not like we have been doing anything to hinder that process.
The whole thing makes a girl wonder if another is really in the works for us. Maybe instead of concentrating on our desires for our future, we should focus on this normal.
If it's going to happen it will - whether we watch for it or not.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)