Monday, November 14, 2011

Daycare and the Kid

When I went back to work, the plan was that Z would start school again shortly thereafter. 

She needs the discipline of being up, fed, dressed and out the door by 6:30 in the morning. 

So do I. 

She needs the interaction with people she is not related to. 

So do I. 

She needs these next two years before kindergarten to understand that she is not a miniature adult, that she is, in fact, a child. And school will help with that. At least I hope so. 

She needs a routine. A real bedtime. Specific times that people give her food and she eats. Time outdoors to play with more than a stick and sand (which is not to say that there is anything wrong with sticks and sand, but, well, she just needs to go to school). 

The Hubs is anxious to have her back in school, although, the truth of that has never been so apparent to me as it is after this weekend. We will get there, but I want to give you a little background information first. 

When I lost my job this summer, the Hubs was working two jobs. He was so sexy. I whined about never seeing him, but nothing turned me on more than my honey getting up early every morning, coming home sweaty every afternoon and supporting his family. It was a hot, hot summer. 

The day job ended around the beginning of August (although it could have been the end of August, maybe), for the purpose of this story, just know that it ended. And he decided to cut back his full-time's jobs hours so that he could "have a break". 

Fine, I thought nervously. Just a little break.

The dude has been bringing home $700 a month for the last two months. 

October was especially hard since it was my first month back at work and my payday is not until the last day of the month. It is seriously hard to make 700 bucks do really anything. My entire paycheck went to pay the bills for the month, because don't forget that $700 had to buy groceries and gas and all of those little incidentals that happen in a given month. And that wasn't a one-time payout of $700 either. No, that was two separate paychecks separated by two weeks of scrimping and being assholes to each other about the lack of money.

But last week he was given a semi-promotion and his hours were bumped up. A better paycheck appears to be on the horizon. 

School has been placed on the backburner. We're not behind, but we are so close to behind that we could get there pretty easily if we had to, say, pay for a month of daycare ahead of schedule. Except the Hubs talks about it on a daily basis. 

When are we going to be able to get her back in school?

Do you think she will be able to start school again soon? 

This weekend, as previously posted, I attempted to clean our house. I failed again, but I did make it to the kid's playroom and her bedroom. It is apparent to me that my almost-4 year old child is functioning a vast amount of her time throughout the day with little to no adult supervision. I know this based on the fact that her sheets have been cut by scissors, there was a bucket of pee in her closet (again) and every wall in each of the rooms has been colored. 

I know that I can easily remedy all of these issues. I have already taken the Magic Eraser to the walls. I have dumped out and thrown away yet another bucket. The sheets are now rags for washing the cars.  

There is a really good facade for the public.
She and I have discussed all of these things. She knows the difference between right and wrong, but I fear that she is doing these things to get attention, any kind of attention out of my husband. 

And it hasn't worked. He didn't even know what has been going on in her room 12 feet away from his comfy place on the couch. 

I am so very sad for my baby girl. I am sad that her father chooses to watch inane television programming or play video games rather than spend time or play with her. I am sad that the man I married who has a vast amount of potential chooses to be so much less than what he could be. 

When I do put her in school, her new sad reality is that she will only see him for a few hours every week. Saturdays and Sundays before he goes to work is all that she will get. I am sad that this is the type of relationship that he wants to have with her or that somehow he thinks that this is an appropriate relationship to have with your kid. 

I want to win this battle. I want her to be able to stay home with him. Not just because it would save us money but because I want them to have this cool father/daughter bond. I want him to read to her, talk to her pay attention to her. 

The sad reality is that if I win, she will end up losing. 

His demonstrated lack of motivation to step up and parent our child has shown me that he will be no more capable of giving her attention in the future than he is now. And I have known that for some time.

I wanted to be wrong. I wanted him to step up and show me that he is capable of spending 9 hours a day taking care of our daughter (actually, it's like 7 because they sleep so late). I wanted these things because I want to have another kid some day soon. 

And I think I may have just admitted to myself that I am not going to have any more kids. 

Well, shit. 


  1. I am so sorry. I wish I had something better to say. This line breaks my heart, "The sad reality is that if I win, she will end up losing."

    I'm praying so hard for you right now.

  2. "I am sad that the man I married who has a vast amount of potential chooses to be so much less than what he could be."

    That there sums it up. The details don't really matter, do they?

    I can offer this: I have two daughters who have different fathers. The one father insisted on every possible minute with his daughter. It became painfully obvious way too quickly that it was a matter "I just don't want YOU to have her." She would spend weeks upon weeks during the summer alone. She hated it. She wondered why he didn't like her. Why he didn't want to spend time with her. Why he insisted that she miss out on everything else just to be alone in his house. Many people say wonderful things about him... about how much time court ordered visitation time he has with his child.

    The other daughter has a dad that shows up twice a month if that. Usually around 3pm and she's back hom by 7pm. But for those entire four hours it's all about her. What has she done? What does she like? Let's play a game together. Let's talk. Let's go for a walk. Let me soak you in and not let a thing interfere. There are a lot of people that make comments about what a horrible dad he is because he only sees his kid twice a month.

    It's quality, not quanity. And I will support whatever that quality limit is for the sake of the self-worth and self-esteem of my children.

    You'll find that balance. Mama's always do. It just sometimes takes longer than we think it should.

    I'm still praying for you!!

  3. Thanks friend! Oh, how I wish that we lived closer to each other!

  4. Life sometimes sucks. Sometimes we give up hope. A lot of times we feel like we are letting our children down. I, for example, am lucky enough to be home with my children but sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I shout, even when we are supposed to be doing something fun, sometimes at the wrong child. And I always feel terrible afterwards. I think the guilt is part of being a mum. Be kinder to yourself. You are doing the best you can. Your daughter knows that you love her and that is the most important thing. You can't change the way your husband is, but it won't scar your daughter. ANd life won't be like this forever. Hope that things get easier for you soon.


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