- People that work out and eat right don't seem to be having any fun. They are so concerned with calories burned, calories taken in and eating organically that life is streaming right by them. I feel sorry for the lady that yells for me to slow down on the side of the highway on her morning run (really lady? The speed limit is 55, I can see your flourescent t-shirt and hat AND your scowling face) - she really has nothing better to do.
- I don't own shoes that talk to Facebook and Twitter. If I did, they would say things like "Momma stayed at the house most of the day chasing after Z." or "Momma burned 0 calories while marching up and down the aisles at the grocery store trying to find a suitable dinner".
- I don't own an iPad or an iTouch or an iPhone (I refuse to belong to any part of the overly expensive, elitist Apple crowd). Apparently, you can only effectively lose weight if you have one of these devices (and their apps). Obviously, I am doomed.
- Speed is illegal (or at least only prescribed). I am not sure where other people get their dosages but I have yet to find a doctor that will write me the script to give me the power that I need to not collapse at the end of a long hard day.
- I like to bake. I like to eat what I bake. In the last two months, I have made these and these. Try them. You will stop wanting to eat green things and run all over the place. You may even have fun while eating them. Maybe you will even smile every once in a while.
- Comfort food makes me feel better. When I am sick. When I am tired. When I can only hear a child whine and plead ONE MORE TIME before I go f**ing insane. Hand me the cupcake and back away slowly kid.
- I can't ever imagine myself being condescending and rude. So many people that are only concerned with what goes in and what comes out, come off as so flipping arrogant that they tend to alienate me. They also tend to turn into busy bodies (lack of carbs). It's irritating.
- I am happy. The Hubs says I am cute. Some days I actually feel like he might be right. My daughter is the cutest kid on the planet and people say she looks just like me. I must still have a cute factor in there somewhere.
- I am healthy. You may think that I am huge and a heart attack waiting to happen but I can walk several miles before I get winded, I love to play the Zumba Dance Party video game with the munchkin, my cholesterol and blood pressure are perfect (much to my doctor's surprise!).
- I have better things to do than run everywhere, go to the gym, eat spinach all day and bitch about being too fat. I have a kid. I have art projects to help with, laundry to do, dishes to wash, stories to read, playdates to attend and dinner to prepare. I don't have time to ignore my kid and race all over the planet in pursuit of an unrealistic ideal.
She's going to be grown before I know it.
Then maybe I will take up running.