Terrified

It's June 1st.

Where has the time gone?

June 3rd seemed so distant, so far in the future.

Until now, until today.

Today, it feels as though June 3rd is just hours away. As though I am hanging from a precarious branch.

And there is nothing I can do to keep the branch from breaking.

I have never not had a job before. I have never not had something to do. I have never not had a purpose.

I am terrified.

That the Hubs will leave me.

That I will be homeless.

That my friends will abandon me because I am too needy.

That I will become lost in the daily shuffle of everyone else chasing the American dream while I am stuck in quicksand of unemployment, depression and squalor.

That now that Z is developing memories, those childhood gems that we look back on as adults to get us through the tough times, hers will be memories of a broken and wounded momma. A momma that the world has chewed up and spit out.

I know that God has a plan in all of this, that he is holding me and my family throughout.

I know that I should not worry because it does not do anything for me and just makes things worse.

I know that it will be okay.

And even though I know these things, even though I believe them with all of my heart, today - well - today, I am terrified.