Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I Am Gonna Get a Trip to Africa for This

Remember Ebola? The virus that liquefied the insides of people and killed them within days? The virus that was so hotly reported on in the 90's? The virus that had no treatment and threatened everyone?

What ever happened to Ebola?

Apparently, it is still running amok in the world. I say apparently because I am certain that I have contracted Ebola (it's either that or the worms).

Why, momma, why do you believe it is Ebola? Great question, dear reader. Ebola liquefies everything and (believe me) everything in my body has been liquefied. I have spent the last 12 hours of my life curled into a fetal position, quarantined under a blanket on the couch alternately shaking with fever or racing to the bathroom to release the definitively liquefied insides of my being. I am pretty sure nothing could have survived.

But, momma, I have read your recent posts and you make no mention of a safari to the wilds of Africa. You are correct, I have not been to Africa, not recently, not ever. I have, in fact, just been in the confines of my own home, being thrown up on snuggling with my petri dish 3 year old daughter because has not been feeling well.*

Momma, you let your child go to Africa without you? Nope. That would probably never happen (not even when she is grown and on her own, she owes me after giving me Ebola - she will take my ashes with her wherever she may go). My child attends a cesspool of bacteria preschool. 3 year olds are harbingers of death reluctant, at best, to wash their hands or even keep their hands to themselves. And in keeping with the teachings of preschool, they are really learning how to share (damn it).

Do you really think you might die? I may already be dead, judging by my appearance.

I get that I probably just have a stomach flu. I get that it might not really be as bad as I feel right now. I understand that most likely it is probably not Ebola and that I shouldn't make fun of a disease that is apparently just as wild and dangerous as ever (just under reported, you know, because the Royals are SO much more important).

But the next time that Z gets sick, I am enclosing her in her room, covering the door to her room in plastic and I am not letting her come back out until her head quits spinning. She'll survive - she has to take me to Africa.

*Until now, because you know what cures a sick child? When their mother gets sick. It's been scientifically proven. They will stay sick, until you feel completely terrible. Then? Then they are fine, then they have all of their energy back and are climbing up the damn walls. Try it. I guarantee it. 


  1. You poor thing! You need to be taken care of! She must be lysoled and anti bacterialed before entering the car, home, embrace of a hug from now on. And you must continue to blame yourself because after all you did take her to Africa.

  2. You are sooo very witty and Z is a doll. I hope you're feeling better ;)


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