Friday, April 15, 2011

A Resume

If Z were going to get a job today, the following would be her resume. Sadly, I am certain that she is not even close to employable. I guess we have to keep working at it.

Age 3  
Height: 43 inches 
Weight: 43 pounds

* Can climb on chairs or any furniture that my parents have told me not to
* Can repaint living room wall with a bottle of nail polish in the amount of time it takes Daddy to "rest his eyes"
* Can scream louder than most animals
* Can run faster than my momma
* Can destroy a room that my momma spent two hours cleaning in less time than it takes for her to use the bathroom
* Can unravel an entire roll of toilet paper for no good reason in under a minute
* Can paint my entire body in the amount of time it takes for my momma to unload the dryer
* Can fake sleep long enough for parents to go to bed so I can have "alone time"
* Can act as though I do not know how to dress myself during the day, but wake up in the morning wearing completely different clothes and underwear than I went to bed in
* Can completely melt down when not getting my way and yo-yo back without a tear with the offer of candy
* Can identify self conscious people and then ask really awful questions very loudly: "Why is that man so fat?" "Why does that lady look so mean?" "What is wrong with her face?" "Why are you turning so red, Momma?"

 -Name calling
 -Whining (world champion, right here, I can go longer and louder than anyone I know)
 -Ability to remember random embarrassing facts at the least appropriate moment (great way to get candy)
 -Eye rolling
 -The exasperated sigh (most kids don't develop this ability until 9, I am pretty advanced)
 -Ability to identify every fear in my momma's being and then get this.close to acting them out
 -Pottying by myself
 -Ability to remember the song lyrics to inappropriate rap music
 -I can hear through walls and doors, even when you whisper
 -Great imagination - my toys can be anything and everything

 -Getting called a name - I especially do not like Crybaby.
 -Ability to forget everything that I learned in school that day (What did you do today? Nothing. We just Played.)
 -Obsession with pickles and candy
 -The letter J is not in my alphabet
 -My teeth will not fall out of my head (I really want to keep the tooth fairy. I made her a cage.)
 -Wiping myself
 -Fair and sharing are relational - if it means I am getting something, it is fair, if I have to give it to you - it's not 
 -Selective Hearing and Comprehension - I heard and understand everything you said until "pick up" or "calm down"
 -I need more toys 

Personal Statement
I am not a team player. I demand to be on center-stage. Everyone must notice me and applaud my performances or I will get louder and more obnoxious. 

I will not clean up after myself, I will probably eat all of your food, and I don't like to sleep EVER. 

I am really cute and give great hugs and kisses. 

For references, you can use my Tinkerbell cell phone to call anyone in the world. I recommend Santa Claus, the President and the Wonder Pets. 

Yep, that's what's gonna win them over.


  1. I love it she sounds hire-able. While I am sad my baby is growing up I am excited to see who he becomes and what will make up his resume.

  2. Very good resume! Although, I think I have a contender for the World Champion Whiner here in this house! :)

    I think she's hire-able! If you're looking for a cute 3 year old!

  3. This is sooo cute and such an awesome idea ;)

    P. S. I LOVE your blog's new look. It's perfect!

  4. This was such a cute blog post!!
    Found you through Bloggy Moms and am your newest follower!


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