A Resume

If Z were going to get a job today, the following would be her resume. Sadly, I am certain that she is not even close to employable. I guess we have to keep working at it.

Z  

Age 3  

Height: 43 inches 

Weight: 43 pounds

Skills

* Can climb on chairs or any furniture that my parents have told me not to

* Can repaint living room wall with a bottle of nail polish in the amount of time it takes Daddy to "rest his eyes"

* Can scream louder than most animals

* Can run faster than my momma

* Can destroy a room that my momma spent two hours cleaning in less time than it takes for her to use the bathroom

* Can unravel an entire roll of toilet paper for no good reason in under a minute

* Can paint my entire body in the amount of time it takes for my momma to unload the dryer

* Can fake sleep long enough for parents to go to bed so I can have "alone time"

* Can act as though I do not know how to dress myself during the day, but wake up in the morning wearing completely different clothes and underwear than I went to bed in

* Can completely melt down when not getting my way and yo-yo back without a tear with the offer of candy

* Can identify self conscious people and then ask really awful questions very loudly: "Why is that man so fat?" "Why does that lady look so mean?" "What is wrong with her face?" "Why are you turning so red, Momma?"

Strengths

 -Name calling

 -Whining (world champion, right here, I can go longer and louder than anyone I know)

 -Ability to remember random embarrassing facts at the least appropriate moment (great way to get candy)

 -Eye rolling

 -The exasperated sigh (most kids don't develop this ability until 9, I am pretty advanced)

 -Ability to identify every fear in my momma's being and then get this.close to acting them out

 -Pottying by myself

 -Ability to remember the song lyrics to inappropriate rap music

 -I can hear through walls and doors, even when you whisper

 -Great imagination - my toys can be anything and everything

Weaknesses

 -Getting called a name - I especially do not like Crybaby.

 -Ability to forget everything that I learned in school that day (What did you do today? Nothing. We just Played.)

 -Obsession with pickles and candy

 -The letter J is not in my alphabet

 -My teeth will not fall out of my head (I really want to keep the tooth fairy. I made her a cage.)

 -Wiping myself

 -Fair and sharing are relational - if it means I am getting something, it is fair, if I have to give it to you - it's not 

 -Selective Hearing and Comprehension - I heard and understand everything you said until "pick up" or "calm down"

 -I need more toys 

Personal Statement

I am not a team player. I demand to be on center-stage. Everyone must notice me and applaud my performances or I will get louder and more obnoxious. 

I will not clean up after myself, I will probably eat all of your food, and I don't like to sleep EVER. 

I am really cute and give great hugs and kisses. 


For references, you can use my Tinkerbell cell phone to call anyone in the world. I recommend Santa Claus, the President and the Wonder Pets. 

Yep, that's what's gonna win them over.