Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Being the Driving Force

You know why women are so friggin' awesome?

(Aside from the fact that we have a fabulous intuition, the capacity to not only be thrown up on for 48 hours, but also be able to survive the Ebola virus, the strength to be able to be the weaker sex, and the ability to clean the house while being scared to death by dangerous night critters.)

We are the driving force behind all of mankind. No single man has been able to accomplish greatness, but married men not only live longer, they are able to achieve fantastic feats because of the driving force of the women that love them.

First off, a woman had to forcibly extract him from her womb. Whether with a doctor or midwife's aid, ultimately the labor came down to a wonderful mother that wanted him to move out.

Then she raised him. She fed him, nurtured him, gave him the tools that he needed in life to be a suitable mate to some unwitting girl (a girl that most likely will never be good enough for her boy).

A girl that was raised on the stories of princesses and knights, white horses and charming princes. And when she ventured out into the world, she found a boy that could not clean up his apartment, could not do his own laundry, could not cook a meal suitable for consumption, could not take care of himself.

And the mothering instinct that we all possess, took flight.

She washed the laundry, organized the apartment, got him a planner or smartphone so that he would remember to keep the dates and be on time. She made sure that he woke up and arrived on time for work and class. She groomed him for greatness.

And after the first big fight, the fight where she shrugged her shoulders and walked away, he knew that he could not survive without her clean towels and sheets, her freshly cooked meals, her gentle urging to grow up, be a man.

So he proposed and they got married.

And the gentle urging became more of a mantra.

Grow up, be a man, grow up, be a man.

He graduated college while she kept house, he found the first job and she made sure that he was not late, that he was well dressed and groomed. She sacrificed and toiled (in practice for when they would have children) in order for him to have the resources that he would need to be great.

The promotions came, as did the accolades.

And, if it had not been for her driving force, he would never have known the success that he had achieved.

If all of the women were taken up to Heaven tomorrow and all of the men were left on Earth to care for the children, get to work, school or church on time, chaos would ensue.

No one would know what time it is. (Which is so strange to me. Do they really forget to tell time as they get older?)

The children's hair would go uncombed, they most likely will be unfed and not bathed. If they arrive at school at all they will be hours late in clothes that do not match (and that are most like pulled from the dirty clothes hamper).

Oil changes and service maintenance on cars would be ignored.

He will lose his job because he can no longer arrive on time, in fact, the company will most likely go bankrupt as everyone above the glass ceiling will also never arrive to work on time.

The kids will most likely drop out of school, as it doesn't make sense anymore anyway (since the all-male staff is not putting together lesson plans or grading papers in their off time - there is no one to tell them to do it).

Wars would break out over simple things like why World Wrestling Entertainment and the World Series do not actually include members of the entire world. Or why there are no more cakes, cookies or pies.

And the (now Godless) population of the world will be reduced to watching video games played on large TVs, while the pizza deliveryman is being mauled by the children and dogs.

Remember, if you feel like whining because your wife is nagging you to get the Hell out of bed in the morning (for the umpteenth time) or that you need to get home earlier instead of hanging out with your friends until God-awful-hour-of-the-morning, she is just pushing you towards greatness, not an early grave.

And it's only because she is so awesome.


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